Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Had an epiphany today.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Best correction of the day, if not ever: