[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Saturday
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye