i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again