Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
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‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you