*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.