Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
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Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
this is how life feels
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
HR said no more nunchucks.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
oh no, steve’s working tonight