[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
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A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
the three branches of government
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.