A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
You Might Also Like
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.