@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

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@cool_pond

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

@heatherlou_

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

@grouper2media

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@Rollinintheseat

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

@XplodingUnicorn

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

@eddiesnextwife

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.