I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane