😲 WTF? 😆
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Come back with a warrant
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.