My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
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Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?