A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.