Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
#SaturdayBears
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character