a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
You Might Also Like
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.