“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
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I know
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
moms in horror movies
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.