really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
You Might Also Like
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.