Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
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Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!