Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.