angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.