my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
You Might Also Like
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99