Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
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Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*