IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
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Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
real
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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