ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)