For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
You Might Also Like
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Fiction has to make sense.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know