For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
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Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT