There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I want what they have
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Netflix and awkward silence?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty