Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*![]()
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
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Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”