Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
You Might Also Like
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.