My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
stop
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Just a friendly reminder!
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though