Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The booster protects against what, now?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now