Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.