9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
#CatsOnTwitter
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*