tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.