tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…