tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.