The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Just got to our Airbnb!
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Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
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Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
who wants to go expliring
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.