The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
A short story about romance.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”