Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.