“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.