Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
How did we not see this back then?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.