Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
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[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
and now we wait
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Sheep
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
58.
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Sooo many times…..
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?