I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’m too immature for adultery.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Happy birthday to all the women
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time