[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight