bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.