Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Animal poetry
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”