My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Owl Sanctuary
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.