Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
No selfies while hijacking a train.