I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Ferrari squats
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down