I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
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“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day