Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.