Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Oh yeh? Explain this then
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff