“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Feels like the fourth month in January
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.