Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.