someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
You Might Also Like
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
😅🤣😂
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston