[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
You Might Also Like
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
mood
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??