I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
*throws phone in holy water
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.