Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.