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*throws phone in holy water

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I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”


I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.


[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE


A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.


the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT


Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.